Sunday, October 19, 2008

Strength beyond my own

I don't normally make my blog a forum for talking about spritual things, but today I'm going to make an exception. Because seriously, there is a miracle going on right now.

It started last night. After writing my last blog post, I felt like crying. I had only succeeded in bringing to the surface all the feelings I had done so well at hiding, and I was annoyed at myself. I went upstairs and sat on our bed, watching Andrew pack. He disappeared into the bathroom for a minute to get something, and all of a sudden I felt...strong. I can't really explain it. For no reason at all, a woman came into my mind - an ancestor of mine whom I love very much named Amy Sumner Porter. She crossed the plains back in the pioneer days but died shortly after giving birth to twin babies, who also both died. It was like I felt her with me, sharing with me the strength that I know she had in this life. This really isn't translating well into writing, but it really was a very...almost tangible feeling of strength.

Then this morning. After Andrew left, I fell back asleep and dreamed that he had come back home saying the trip was cancelled. I woke up, to Leighton crying, a little disappointed that my dream wasn't real. But again, I just felt this...blanket of strength around me. And it has stayed with me all day.

Church was...chaotic to say the least. I felt like I was a burden to everyone around me because of the way my children - actually, just Eva - acted. I walked into sacrament meeting to find Andrew's name on the program to speak. Apparently, the counselor in the bishopric hadn't gotten Andrew's message that he would be out of town and unable to give his talk. I started panicking a little, thinking that I should just go up and cover for him. I looked around and planned who I would ask to sit with the kids, and then started flipping through the hymnbook for inspiration. Thankfully, the counselor came back and told me not to worry about it - they would get someone else to speak.

Eva decided to throw a royal fit when I took her into nursery. She has always done flawlessly in there, but last week and today she just changed her mind. I was trying to juggle the church bag, the diaper bag, Leighton in his carseat (which weighs at least 3,000 pounds sometimes), so I just left her there screaming bloody murder. Not two minutes later (nursery hadn't even started yet) they brought her back to me. Great. But throughout the whole ordeal, other people were so incredibly helpful. One of my favorite women in the ward, Sis. Pipkin, held Leighton while I taught the lesson. And he fell asleep in her arms, which he never does anymore. She must have the magic touch.

Back here at home, I put the kids down for a nap and have some time to think. And I am amazed at how well I'm doing. But honestly, it's not me. This strength that I have is not coming from inside of me - it's distinctly an outside source. I am so grateful that, at least today, I have all the help I need and more. "Friends on earth and friends above."

This may seem like no big deal to some people. "So what if your husband is gone for 2 weeks?" And that may be true. Even though it's just the first 2 week trip of the twice-a-month-trips-for-the-next-20-years. But to me it IS a big deal. And the Lord knew that. That's why He's helping me so much. "All things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things." My thankful, thankful heart.


Brittani said...

I wish you luck, there is no question it is not easy ( I have not had Grant more than a week) but doing it all by yourself is not fun...but I know you can do it. Call if you ever need to vent! I am here and understand a portion.

Chanel said...

You are going to do wonderfully! There will be crummy moments, and wonderful moments- but at the end of a crummy day you can always turn to a bubble bath and a good book, and life somehow becomes manageable again! Call if you need anything.

Melanie said...

Steph - all I can say is you are one tough chic. I am dreading doing this alone when Brian leaves and I only have the one baby. You amaze me at how well you handle things and how capable you are. I am glad you made it through today. We cant wait to see you this week (several times, instead of just one time)! :o) PLEASE call me if you need ANYTHING!! I am not just typing that to look like a good friend either. I mean it. I can be at your house in a heart beat (well more like 40 minutes) if you need me. I will call you tomorrow and we will work out the details about this week.

Marelize said...

You're going to do awesome, I just know it! Please remember, I'm only a few streets away if you need anything. Even if you just need to see an adult face (I might even put makeup on for you :)

Kara Camille said...

I loved this post. I loved how you felt the strength from an ancestor helping you through this time without Andrew. We're not alone, and that is such a comforting thing. Good luck my friend. You're amazing. Wish i lived closer so I could come talk and laugh all day!

Oh, Clay and i LOVED your post about the breast milk ice cream. We've told our families and have been trying to think of fun names...looks like people thought of some funny ones.

Mikael Webb said...

Steph, your a rock! Angels really are on our side. Reading your post brought back so many memories in my life when I knew some one stronger than me was helping me through that moment.
It also reminded me of Elder Hollands talk from conference. Here is a link. Read it if you need a boost! I love you!,5232,23-1-947-10,00.html