Thursday, August 7, 2008

The two grossest things I have ever eaten

Once upon a time, I went to Washington with my dear husband to go house hunting.**
(I know, that picture is awesome.)
I arrived there before he did (he drove from Spokane, and I flew from Houston). While I waited in our little hotel room for him to arrive, I watched television. There was a show called something along the lines of "I Can Make You Thin," if I remember right. It was this British guy that claimed he had this ground-breaking method for weight loss. I thought, "Hmm. Well, I might as well give this guy a shot--nothing to lose but weight and time." So I watched him. And basically, in a nut shell, he was a psycho. The show ended up being an inside joke between Andrew and me (he got there in time to watch part of it with me)--particularly one part. This guy - we'll call him Dr. Skinny, for our purposes - had this bizarre way of fighting cravings. Dr. Skinny said that whenever you felt a craving coming on, you should think of the sickest thing you could imagine eating and tap your forehead and your wrist and a couple other places on your body, and that would make the craving go away. (Like I said, psycho.) Anyway. The point of this is that at that time, I was really trying to think of the sickest, most disgusting thing I had ever tasted. And here's what it was:

I was staying at my parents house for Christmas last year, and we were all gathering around the table to play a game. I saw a gummy bear on the counter on my way to the table, so I picked it up and put it in my mouth. Harmless, right? Nope. This was no ordinary gummy bear. This gummy bear was covered, inside and out, with HAIR. Possibly dog hair. How I didn't see this when I picked it up, I have no idea. Eww, I am gagging as I even write this. The instant I felt the furry goo on my tongue, I started heaving and ran to the sink to spit it out. I was clawing at my tongue for a good five minutes, spitting and crying and cursing inwardly. How so much hair got on it is still a mystery - nobody in my family would own up to picking it up off the floor and setting it on the counter or anything. To this day, the memory of that wretched gummy bear in my mouth makes my stomach churn.

So that's what I thought of when I watched that show in Washington. But today, I had the second grossest eating experience of my life. I was sitting at the computer reading people's blog and snacking on a bag of Craisins. Now let me preface this by saying that Eva has a hobby of dumping out her bags of snacks - Craisins, yogurt-covered raisins, name it, she has dumped it out on the floor. Often, rather than throwing it away and wasting money, I just carefully pick them up and put them back in the package. So. I grabbed a handful of Craisins and put a couple in my mouth. No sooner should I begin chewing than I feel a HAIR on my lips. Oh my gosh, I am gagging again with the thought. I warily reached up my hand to pull it out and looked at the long, curly, black hair in my fingers. It had obviously been picked up off the floor and put in the bag during one of Eva's episodes of dumping out Craisins. Which is absolutely disgusting.

So the moral of the story is...I'm not quite sure. I guess, following the strange advice of Dr. Skinny, think of my two revolting food incidents. Who knows - maybe it will work and make you lose your appetite. Writing about it has certainly made me lose mine. The end.

**Our hunt was successful. Here is what our house looks like on this very day. All done and ready for me to get there. Isn't it amazing? Feel free to comment on what great choices we made on cabinet colors and such, because we are pretty proud. You are welcome to come visit us and see it in person whenever you want.


Lisa said...

Yuu-uu-cckk!! I better not let my Andrew read this post- he hates 'gummy' candy anyway, and this would totally gross him out. But I love your house! It is beautiful.

Lacking Productivity said...

I'm pretty sure that hair is the most repulsive thing that could be put in any mouth. If I even start thinking of hair in my mouth, I can feel it and it makes me gag. Ecchk!

Melissa Andreasen said...

All I can say is look at that beautiful gree grass!

Watts Family said...

Wow, you have your very own house! (I want one). It is so beautiful. You two did an amazing job with it all. Congrats.