Friday, August 8, 2008

My love/hate relationship with my life, explained. Partially.

You know what I hate?

When people say something on their blog like, "I found the coolest thing on this website." And that's all they say - no explanation of what it is or why they think it is cool. So curiosity gets the best of you and you think that if they think it's cool, it's worth a look...and you take the time to click the link and it takes you to a website for Clorox bleach, or something equally UNcool. (By the way, that link above really is the the Clorox website, just by way of explanation.) I probably hate this just because I have nothing better to do than click on random stupid links. And even if I had better things to do, I lack the self-control to walk away from those links without knowing what is hiding behind them. Pathetic, I know.

The fact that every single time I nurse Leighton, I am absolutely positive he is going to rip my nipples right off. (Sorry for the indelicate use of the word "nipple" again, but in this context it simply cannot be avoided.) What kind of reconstructive surgery would that require? I hope I never find out, but at this rate I just might. Breastfeeding, in this household, always entails much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Well, he doesn't have teeth yet. But he still gnashes his gums quite effectively.

Seeing myself naked. Pregnancy may be beautiful, but I guarantee you that nobody is going to look at this postpartum sagginess and have any word closely resembling beautiful come to mind. Probably something more along the lines of "repulsive."

The feeling of being hungry. I'm so glad I don't live in Africa, because I HATE being hungry. I know that's childish and immature, but I get so bugged when my stomach is empty. A full Stephanie is a happy Stephanie.

Having no friends. I wish with all my heart we were back in Enid with the people I love. The last of our set of 2 friends left last week, leaving me all alone with nobody to talk to. Making me want to get out of here even worse. Melanie, if you are reading this, I miss you! And all you people I love in Enid, I miss you too!

Seeing a picture of myself on a day when I felt totally hot and realizing that I didn't look half as cute as I felt. To illustrate my point: This was taken last Saturday right before Eva left for Houston with my parents. I had on a new shirt and had done my hair all cute and even gone so far as to put on makeup. (Sadly, that signals a special occasion now. It used to be an everyday occurrence...oh motherhood, what have you done to me?) I thought I looked pretty good. Let's take a family picture in the name of preserving memories but really so I could remember how cute I looked? Insert said picture.

I definitely do NOT look like I am wearing makeup, and my hair wasn't as cute as it felt. Must have been the extreme heat and humidity in that downtown Dallas parking lot. And do I really have that fat of a face in real life, or did the camera add 10 pounds to each cheek? Sigh. I need Glamour Shots or something. Aside from that, it is a cute picture. Just look at my cute little family!

Getting hair in my mouth. But we have been over that. (See previous post.)

Being paranoid. Last night I was absolutely certain that my family would get in a car accident on the way up here and I would never see Eva again. So I lay awake worrying and praying and crying, all for nothing. I've been a worry wart my whole life, but being a mom just takes that to a whole new dimension.

But guess what I love?

The Olympics starts today! I am an Olympic freak and cry during every opening ceremony as far back as I can remember. I told Andrew last night that the Olympics just makes me feel so proud to be human. It's like I feel a bond with all of humanity, you know? Summer is the best - I love the swimming and gymnastics most of all. In my next life, I will be a gymnast. And I will have the cute little bum that comes with being one.

A pan of brownies by my side and not an ounce of self control. Yum. This pan will soon be empty.

Good hair days. I'm having one today. But I'm not going to take a picture and get all disappointed. I'll just keep on feeling obliviously cute.

I get my Eva girl back tonight!! My parents and a few siblings are coming in town for Leighton's blessing on Sunday, and they are bringing her home. And we'll live happily ever least, as soon as we leave Altus.


Samye said...

I can't believe that you don't think you look cute in that picture!! SERIOUS! Your hair is adorable, your face is precious, your make-up looks fabulous (i mean you don't want it looking caked on there right?), your shirt pretty darn cute, and your family-lets just say that I think you guys are picture perfect!! You are such a cute mom...everyone has their bad days but I think you are a bit hard on yourself...because you are darling! Hope things keep looking up- I am looking forward to pics of you new home!!

Watts Family said...

Steph we miss you too! And I think you look really hot in that cute family picture.